Sedimentary ME.


am trying to decide WHY i feel so overwhelmingly sad, and realise its exactly why i ended up suffering depression. I started going to therapist about 18 months ago, and FIGHTING her – i was NOT depressed – i had been through so much SHIT in my life and not been depressed- i was just angry…

now i have come to realise that a major part of my depression is learning to live with the limitations on my health, and of my health due to my health conditions.

i feel like a sedimentary ROCK.

i don’t want any more layers that stay there…i wanted just ONE thing to be transient..is transient a weird way  to look on a brain surgical procedure??

i am the sedimentary rock.

  • i have chronic, brittle asthma – crashes life-threateningly
  • i have a irregular heart beat – had a procedure holding off on another
  • i have need pain
  • i suffer stress
  • i have a family member in recovery from mental health issue
  • i have an autistic son.
  • my mum has severe alzheimer’s
  • mum also has a severe and probably fatal heart condition
  • i have lower back constant pain – post car accident 3 years ago
  • have osteo-arthritis.
  • have depression because am unable to do ANYTHING, and then unable to do ANYTHING because i have depression!
  • have gained weight as am so sedentary – this puts more pressure on both the asthma AND the heart.
  • can’t do exercise of any type as even walking and swimming are too painful on the back and anything vigorous leaves me breathless and with palpitations. so STUCK..as i am so disabled due to conditions weight gains which doesn’t help the conditions…so its a vicious circle.
  • Oh hubby diagnosed with rare cancer in March…so far all follow ups are clear
  • Hubby took unexpected side effect to drugs given unnecessarily- suffers constantly with a gamut of conditions.
  • have these headaches and neurological symptoms now for about 18 months…MRI showed cyst in brain. i wanted cyst to be removed and take the symptoms with it.but NOPE. Neurosurgeon was a lovely man, but only thing tat proves benign to me is lump in a petri dish with biopsy report attached.
  • while he was reading scan i remembered a previous scan of brain taken in 2008 – they had noted a herniation at base of brain …we looked back…they missed the cyst! But then we looked to current scan, where MRI spotted cyst but missed the herniation – which it seems is a CHIARI MALFORMATION…and it MAY be causing the neurological problems!! (note 2 scans both read 50% of defects in my brain!!)
  • i see man referred by dentist for frequent ulcers- he suggests geographic tongue and i am called back- he is suddenly looking and me having probable Sjogren’s syndrome! bloods done and at this stage i have no doubt with Murphy’s Law as it is these will be positive.
  • have HAD required BRAIN SURGERY…all stuck back together and recovered…meh
  • recovered to the stage where i have NO energy
  • waiting on my brain-eye issues to be sorted.
  • Have been disconnected forcefully from my music making through terrible forces and through having my own morals used to manipulate and beat me off
  • Have lost my mam and i miss her so much
  • have lost my faith as it was trampled on by too many muddy black feet
  • Have lost a lot of ME…through association at cellular level with that music
  • Will we know have this over riding condition for life…
  • for life

 

hx

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