am trying to decide WHY i feel so overwhelmingly sad, and realise its exactly why i ended up suffering depression. I started going to therapist about 18 months ago, and FIGHTING her – i was NOT depressed – i had been through so much SHIT in my life and not been depressed- i was just angry…
now i have come to realise that a major part of my depression is learning to live with the limitations on my health, and of my health due to my health conditions.
i feel like a sedimentary ROCK.
i don’t want any more layers that stay there…i wanted just ONE thing to be transient..is transient a weird way to look on a brain surgical procedure??
i am the sedimentary rock.
- i have chronic, brittle asthma – crashes life-threateningly
- i have a irregular heart beat – had a procedure holding off on another
- i have need pain
- i suffer stress
- i have a family member in recovery from mental health issue
- i have an autistic son.
- my mum has severe alzheimer’s
- mum also has a severe and probably fatal heart condition
- i have lower back constant pain – post car accident 3 years ago
- have osteo-arthritis.
- have depression because am unable to do ANYTHING, and then unable to do ANYTHING because i have depression!
- have gained weight as am so sedentary – this puts more pressure on both the asthma AND the heart.
- can’t do exercise of any type as even walking and swimming are too painful on the back and anything vigorous leaves me breathless and with palpitations. so STUCK..as i am so disabled due to conditions weight gains which doesn’t help the conditions…so its a vicious circle.
- Oh hubby diagnosed with rare cancer in March…so far all follow ups are clear
- Hubby took unexpected side effect to drugs given unnecessarily- suffers constantly with a gamut of conditions.
- have these headaches and neurological symptoms now for about 18 months…MRI showed cyst in brain. i wanted cyst to be removed and take the symptoms with it.but NOPE. Neurosurgeon was a lovely man, but only thing tat proves benign to me is lump in a petri dish with biopsy report attached.
- while he was reading scan i remembered a previous scan of brain taken in 2008 – they had noted a herniation at base of brain …we looked back…they missed the cyst! But then we looked to current scan, where MRI spotted cyst but missed the herniation – which it seems is a CHIARI MALFORMATION…and it MAY be causing the neurological problems!! (note 2 scans both read 50% of defects in my brain!!)
- i see man referred by dentist for frequent ulcers- he suggests geographic tongue and i am called back- he is suddenly looking and me having probable Sjogren’s syndrome! bloods done and at this stage i have no doubt with Murphy’s Law as it is these will be positive.
- have HAD required BRAIN SURGERY…all stuck back together and recovered…meh
- recovered to the stage where i have NO energy
- waiting on my brain-eye issues to be sorted.
- Have been disconnected forcefully from my music making through terrible forces and through having my own morals used to manipulate and beat me off
- Have lost my mam and i miss her so much
- have lost my faith as it was trampled on by too many muddy black feet
- Have lost a lot of ME…through association at cellular level with that music
- Will we know have this over riding condition for life…
- for life