Why was life so uncomplicated when we didn’t realise it?
Worst crap you could imagine was nothing…
Now…what do we have? What ghosts hover with us now?
- guilt – missed opportunities.The need to replay chapters of life and say them differently. Make them the right way up
- Pain – pain of mistakes. relationships irreparably damaged by misinterpretation, by lack of discussion, by lack of opportunity to explain. Pain of physical illnesses as they become more serious, pain of mental illness – whether yours or someone you love – pain is yours!
- Loss – of people…. of love… of health…of ability to change…of opportunity to reverse…so much grieving. Loss of the simplicity that was your childhood – before the weight of responsibility was firmly landed with you..
- Grief – family and friends gone, maybe before we got to tell them the things we needed to. Maybe for the loss of the relationships that were there, that try as we might, we can’t superglue. For loss of love. For loss of innocence. For loss of understanding when a someone so close, that you can touch them, has put shutters down, and try as you might, you can not reach them. Loss of a carefree existence.
- Dreams – the reality of acceptance that comes with serious health challenges, either physical or mental , that means you can’t plan long ahead…the reality that there is no definite “old age”…that all we are guaranteed is NOW….lumps and all! The dreams that you realise now were dreams and will NEVER be a reality.
- Fear – of illness, more illness, of more animosity, of doing the wrong thing with the conviction that it is right. Fear of “what if”…of “if not” of “i should have”…never leave. Never leave you when you have children. that time statute does not contrary to popular belief run out when they are !*, it just bears a heavier fear burden as when they are 18 the nightmare scenarios are not ones you can pick them up and put plasters on, not ones you can keep them indoors to avoid, and not ones that you even know about until they explode.
- regrets – for what you did, you didnt, you said, you should have said, you can’t do, you don;t want to do.
- realisation – that uncle who seemed so old when he died at 58, wasn’t old. Today I feel old.
- There is no logic to life.
- There is no fairness – nice people don’t necessarily get nice well earned lives. Real shits don’t seem , despite the saying, to get what they deserve.
- We can only do our best – but how the hell do we ever convince ourselves that when it is applied to our family, our best is EVER enough
With age dawns the FACT the LIFE is bloody hard going.
There are no guarantees.
Life IS too short.
you never ever stop being that parent who needs to protect her child.
Your best….will it ever be enough???