my 10 wishes…

download I always used to HATE the bit in the Miss World Contest, where every contestant used to wish for world peace…idealistic and simplistic…really couldn’t stand that!

Now i am old enough to be life-beaten, bruised and cynical.

What the hell am i doing wondering what if there were a fairy….what would i do …what in this world would make such a difference?

Yes its stupid.

Yes its pointless – but it isn’t if it helps me to focus on what really matters to me and what i really would love to be able to change.

So bear with the dream….this once….cynical me returns tomorrow!.

  1. cure cancer – not make it disappear, because there are ways that it deepens your appreciation of the NOW. But make sure that all forms are treatable. The £15 million that Northern Ireland has spent policing flag protests…how far would this have gone in the right research? Why are we as a people so bloody stupid, allowing pointless waste of our funds when we have real causes . But Cancer is like a shadow. You make walk ahead of it, but you always know it is there…does that ever stop?
  2. cure alzheimer’s – again i am 48. I know that we cant use the magic wand and make a disease disappear, but this one is badly handled. Mum has had alzheimer’s for 12 years…and a MONTH ago my father- her fulltime carer was given forms to fill out about benefits. My parents are the stoical, private generation, who protect this disease for as long as was possible in pretence. Now they can’t. As mam deteriorates daily and i watch that sense of loss and waiting in dad’s eyes, i get angry. Angry with a system that IGNORES the hell that the carers endure. Ignores the fact that at any stage a GP could sign a form in terms of the disease and its progression, to say they automatically get benefits. As it currently runs ££ must sit like dad’s unclaimed. Could that not be collated and spent on researching drug treatments and slowing progression?
  3. sexual abuse – mine was “mild” relatively. i have carried it all my life. I will continue to. Is there ever a resolution? Victims should not feel the guilt of what happens if i do A, B or C? You hold it with you as each option has implications for those around you.  You also carry the what if there were others and i by my silence have perpetuated this? I know it is NOT my guilt. But why do i feel it? Is it our society that educates children to protect everyone but themselves? I am dealing 38 years later with my demons…will i ever find peace?
  4. mental health – is always going to be a problem. But its statistics for mortality and its likelihood to ruin families is immensely higher than physical diseases. WHY then do NHS stick in therapists with a HND, and a slot a week to deal with the most complex situations where people are at risk. This is SUCH an important medical specialism , yet in each trust there re so few highly qualified practitioners, so many entry level therapists- who are able to apply ONE type of therapy…CBT. And sadly i think that the main focus in many situations is covering yourself legally as therapist – box ticking when you can’t cure….Rather than escalating case! Perpetuating a poor therapeutic relationship can actually make situation worse. Have a conscience mental health practitioners…if its above you, imagine it was you family member. Treat properly!
  5. chronic illness -this is me and where i am. Stuck in a continuous loop of bad health, medication, new condition, new medication, no ability to do work, new conditions, unfitness, heart effects, pain management not working, new medication, side effects, drug cocktail, weight gain out of control die to sedentary lifestyle, pain conditions….and it continues. I know the conditions are generally NOT life threatening when controlled,but there are times you wonder….like today….what constitutes a LIFE? And at 48, what will it be at 58, 68? do i even want to know??
  6. God-Complex – and the arrogance that many specialists display. Their infallibility  Their ignorance. Their treatment – in fact I’d go so far as to call it maltreatment of some patients. Myself and some friends had discovered this and stood against it years ago. This year it was a personal battle where a Dr challenged a health condition to be proven! – so while dealing with it, you have to research, record and find the existence of your situation. Then he attempts to unthrow the grenade that was launched at you.  Or the cardiologist who openly discusses mortality in front of patient who is so blatantly not in a mental health position to hear that. Have had to produce documents on BlackBerry to doctors, demand printouts from hospitals, have scans reread – under pressure. WHY of WHY do these people not understand that they too can learn! Is it the hippo-critic oath they take? This is much too common in medicine now. There also i must admit, have been some extremely kind and ethical specialists who are so genuinely interested in the RIGHT resolution. Thank God for them!
  7. unfairness of benefit state – i have recently applied for and been vehemently denied disability benefit, Do i need be dead? There are fraudsters in the system, like in every area of life, who walk in and out unscathed as professional benefit claimants. ….a life supported by taxpayers – i know some! And then there are genuinely ill people who are fit for nothing, and have so little ability to do anything, who get refused!.This system is already unfair – and disinterested in people’s standard of health and dignity. the welfare reforms will PUSH it to farcical realms …and yet the professional claimants will come out ok…the real folks will suffer!
  8. Geographical Postcode Variance – i HATE the inequity of provision in healthcare and in education, and in many other area’s of life. But these two in particular make me so angry. Most soverning documents in NHS, and in Dept Ed, are written in a language so porous that they can be applied at a least and a best way. “should”, “could” “reasonable” how measurable are these terms? Can they enforce provision? Bear in mind that once needs are identifies, lack of finds can NOT be used as an excuse not to address the needs! But we all know provision is generally city based. We drive to every specialist appointment for my husband, and for most of my health conditions, 180 miles, not by choice, we fund our meals, we travel home…most weeks…at least once. Oh and on NO benefits, no support yet my pension and his sickpay – who should allow for this?
  9. Lies – and more importantly liars. i Despise them . I grew up in contact with an Olympic class liar. I have seen the people around me, people i love  sucked into the intricate web woven and i have picked up the pieces when the imaginary world collapses  around them. And do they reap what the sow? NO! they seem in fact to cruise unscathed through life while the rest of us life it warts and all! I live by my conscience – if i am nice to people they are generally nice back…but every so often you have to wonder how the professional nasty folks manage sooo comfortably!?
  10. lack of control – i HATE the fact that i can’t control my world, not even a little part of it. i can’t control pain levels. I cant control the demise of the people i love. I can’r control the shit that life throws at anyone  I can’t make the world fair to my kids. I can’t make any significant changes to NHS….but i keep trying….

That’s all. Is that a lot to wish for? Am i being selfish?

Allow me the childish dream in a cruel adult world.




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