it’s the little things that are getting out of proportion….

I really do NOT as a concept have any issue with size….never ever did.

i LOVE curves on ladies…they belong there.

I have always been what I consider is “normal”…what a term ….but it covers the concept of happy in your skin. Not wieght related, or specific size related.

I feel and have always felt sorry for the huge number of the population who spent about 2/3rds of a LIFE on a diet…what a sad existance. i know a LOT of these people – in some cases 3 generations all preoccupied with inches…tragic and

  • do i think they are happier? NO
  • will they life longer?NO last yrea my OH the runner, the one who is never sick was the one who had the cancer!
  • do they seem to lose weight? sometimes…
  • does the THIN suit them? NO…i still think there is his “natural” state for each person!

I feel that for each body there is a “normal” weight range – and it is totally human to move up or down  within a stone of that according to life at that time :

  • stress
  • babies
  • depression
  • illness

those things you don’t control….they control you!

I have a LOT of illnesses:

  • heart problems
  • circulation problems
  • severe and chronic asthma
  • lumbar back pain and immobility
  • upper back/neck immobility
  • a cyst on my brain
  • a chiari malformation on the base of my brain – where the brain herniates out of its skull cavity and onto my spine….it causes a gamut of limiting side effects:
    • headaches
    • numbness
    • pins and needles
    • dizzziness
    • muscle spasms,
    • weakness
    • slurred speech
    • and days when i cant even waken up – hibernation days…
  • and OBVIOUSLY as a consequence of my standard of life and level of grief for my health…depression.

(incidentally i don’t qualify for DLA!)

but the reason i am blogging today is NOT to complain about the constant pain, the cocktail of drugs….which on days goes up to 30+ tablets, BUT the side effect which is upsetting me most is that I neither FEEL like me, nor LOOK like me.

This is NOT whinging about weight – this is me whinging about the fact that my life has changed…immeasurably….and that every time i go to the clinic- ANY clinic…they weigh in, BMI, and almost gloat at you:

  • “this weight is up again” –
  • when you have not changed anything in input other than medication,
  • don’t overeat
  • couldnt really reduce what you eat
  • but yourmetabolism has artificially or through drug induction STOPPED
  • i stand at the press…at the clothes…they don’t fit
  • the bigger ones i have bought even in last few months don’t fit
  • there is nothing more demoralising than clothes shopping
  • well yes there is ….
  • LOOKING in a mirror and NOT seeing the you that you are …seeing the YOU life is making you!


DSC_0060 - Copy
201202 valentines 2012

This is it…

This is me…

Feb 2012 and Feb2013…

i cut myself out of pictures…or slices of me…

This is the me that people look at…

and i wish (like a friend Clare said)i could hang a sign on my neck saying “THIS IS NOT MY FAULT”

I know that people seeing me even weekly can see the expansion….

HOW can this affect my sedentary lifestyle?

HOW can this affect my mental health?

WHO CARES about this effect?

yet look at it?

it is a WORLD apart in a year.

This week i go to my Neurologist, and my cardiologist.

Will either of them not JUDGE me?

Of course they will.

I do!

help me…please



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