memorial…


my mammy was special..

i miss her…..

this week i have been writing memorial cards,

cards to people who were special to mammy

and who mammy was special to.

We have done mammy’s grave in the same way as the cards,

as her month’s mind mass,

her funeral mass….

with planning…

so much thought…

LOVE,

they needed to be PERFECT…

beautiful…

simple…

understated …

elegant…

no frills…..

no flounces….

no gestures of grandeur…

open…

meaningful…

ever word having a purpose…i

t’s so difficult as the meaning is so profound to us as we work through each job…

we do it for mammy.

for YOU mammy…

and i hope we get each piece right.

SO MANY lives you touched that you would never believe.

And mammy it’s so lovely that every step of the way we use the same ideas,

that fundamental dignity and gentleness…

and so many people comment that we have it …

you WERE a gentle lady…

am as heartbroken now as when you went.

this 4 months has been filled with bits to do

but time has dragged in a way i HATE

i miss you…

you really were the best mammy in the world.

Boo-i-miss-you-edit1

first few days people were always there

you were still almost there

we were able to talk about how lovely death was for you mam

and how really lucky we were to be with you for the last days

the last days when you asked us to stay…

and we did…

and you knew

the last breath mammy

was so honoured to be there for you…

so honoured

to witness your bravery as you left

it reinforced my faith for me

but now the days are longer

it hurts to see daddy drive up alone

people still stop us to talk about you

you NEVER knew how important you were

how well you were thought of

you were too modest for that!

now to hear the key in the door

to see daddy come in here without you

i can smile at your picture…

i do!

i can thank God for what you were saved…

i do!

i can be supportive to the others…

i am!

but i miss you!

your voice

your smile

the cheeky look

the dirty look

the hug

the wee glint in they eye

the listener

that dulled with disease

but even through fog you knew when i hurt

when i was suffering

you were the nervous one

not me..

but at the end mammy you went with open hand to God

i am the nervous one

i can sing for you

i can sort out things

but that doesn’t help really

i just miss you

no voice

no hug when you are going home

no more handbag left behind

you will never be in any other choir i do

but you gave me my music

you knew good people

some let you down by letting themselves down

you were sensible

everyone has a good story

your gentleness

your kindness

 you as a piano teacher

you playing at their wedding

you gave me music

and i love that

but you were my mammy

i was little when you walked me from school

you baked buns

apple tarts

gravy drinks

warm pyjamas

a wee aside to give out the odd phrase when someone would “sicken your arse!”

but never a cross word

when i was badly hurt as an adult

you fully supported me when i took a stand

you saw where the wrong lay

you always did

you and daddy were a team

now the car pulls up as ever

but only daddy gets out

now he is a one

a lonely one

we go to the graveyard to chat you

but we can’t really mammy

i miss you

i have tried twice today to go in to the Chapel to pray

but didn’t work out

need it to be open and quiet space

but can’t find that

need to

i need to feel the reality of the silence

so far am in “doing” mode

i need to feel it mammy

i do

i don’t sleep well

days are too long

i worry about daddy for you

i really do

i always will

but

i need to feel the loss of you mammy

i miss you

i feel hollow

i feel empty

i really do

for a tiny mammy you had a huge influence

let me know what to do

please?

we knew that week

the week you were leaving

we stayed

we talked

we prayed with you

we prayed for you

you told us you loved us and we loved you

we helped you

we promised not to leave and we didn’t

and

really

you were the best mammy in the world.

THANK-YOU

help me, mammy.

hx

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