am lonely…i miss my mam.


i miss my mam.
mammy is gone from us now…almost a year.
time doesn’t heal!

NOW i feel so many times that i waken up having dreamt you were alive- but that we both knew you weren’t.mamt

i have so many stupid moments when i do something and i laugh at myself, and make the mental note-

ach mammy will laugh when i tell her that.

but sure i can’t.

i look at your photo-

smiling at me.

knowing me.

really safe

happy

loved

cared for completely by daddy.

blest.

we were.

mam my first safe

if i had known then the importance of every day, and it’s value as a memory, would i have paid more attention?

when you didn’t go to work, it was to CARE for us.

when you didn’t drive it was as you were to stay at home with us.

you sang to us.

smells of baking.

warm pyjamas.

never a raised voice.

the fleeces of the confused years.

then the dapper twinsets dad put on you.

always the little lady.

matching handbags and shoes.

the knitted suits,

gloves.

you loved your gloves and umbrellas.

in the confused era they got lost…

but they went with you still.

dignity

finesse

gentleness.

understated.

never a fan of make up –

foundation on you in the 80s.

your “overall” in my early years – keeping your good clothes clean around the house

piano duets.

the rhapsody you and i played.

weddings we duetted at.

you happy to accompany me.

knitted suits and silk scarves

a smell of “tweed” – a perfume of the day…

ah mam, i could write a book!

reserved

ladylike

private.

never really needing to socialise beyond the house.

i didn’t understand that then.

the huffing if you lost at draughts  or table-tennis

again a huff-even that was quiet – no shouting

i think a warning of “i will tell your father” was as strong as your discipline extended…

and we never really realised there was no punitive ending.

you spoke few words but by god they were on target and to the point.

no time for lies.

no time for show offs.

in any shape or form.

ovaltine….was that in the 70’s?

remember that.

the having our groceries delivered…the “order”.

the main man. lemonade day.

leather jackets

coloured leather from the shop in Dublin.

so chic.

so many tiny things.

sellotape! on my FRINGE- to cure the cows like – you were light years ahead of the GHDs.

sense of humour.

always a giggler.

fears- so many – heights, tight roads, small spaces, the dark

the one blessing of the forgetting was that your fears went mammy.

you were brave.

so brave.

today has been a lonely day.

i missed you.

no idea why.

some days are just like that.

i love you mam…

thank god i KNOW you knew that.

love you still mammy,

nite nite. x0001Scan_1968_Guess_Year_0001

 

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