bucket list… it’s a f*** it list now!

who ever called it a BUCKET list?

and why a BUCKET?

and i always said was a heap of crap.

but maybe now as many of the “love to do” things have become “not in your dreams Helen” things, maybe now i will write down the possible changes… when Bucket became F*** it.


so a BUCKET LIST is…the things in the ideal world that i would LOVE to do before i die. in the real world, am not really expecting to achieve them.

The problem for me, is the fact that my LOGIC overcomes my dreamer.

I don’t live in the IDEAL world, where plans for retirement become real, i occupy the REAL world, so that the curveballs llfe has hurled at me have added up to a ME – a realist.

A realist is not the same as a pessimist, I do accept that there could be better to come than i imagine, but i don’t expect that.

  • we are not gonna win the lottery
  • health has conspired wickedly against me and my family.
  • i have been badly hurt and removed from a social life of sorts as i am too wounded, and not able to challenge the situation. I am the better person.
  • i am very isolated due to the limitations on my health
  • i will ALWAYS say the TRUTH – sadly, look where it got me. But i can see the pretense in the bucket-list before i start… too logical.
  • who knows maybe wrong will be right, and ill will be healthy,, and i live ALL the items?


for a lover of lists and logical preparation, it is quite strange the things i HAVE put in place and in writing, and the things i haven’t. Am sure a good analyst would have a field-day.

i have done some very significant and sensible things….but have to revisit the listing side of me as have some equally important things avoided- or perhaps not done yet!.

  • have written my will (with OH – way back when we had our children)
  • signed power of attorney (with OH – before my brain surgery)
  • wrote mammy’s funeral music (again before my brain surgery. Had all arranged perfectly and in such detail that when mammy did leave us, i just had to hand over to the already asked musician friends)
  • have left details about my funeral mass. (done at a time when my pick n mix Catholicism was simple. Would need to be add a paragraph or two as a lot of water has flowed under the bridge of religious practice since then.)
  • my eulogy is written -NOT in content – in plan version. the stuff i don’t want my funeral to be, and the stuff i don’t need to be part of that day.
  • had a skeletal plan for music for my funeral – the just in case one – again planned before i had my brain surgery. I had asked the friends who were to be involved and had a basic instruction…a few itemised pieces, and a definite none of sublist . I am going to revisit this one. It deserves to be done properly.
  • a tiny little list- a  few names… those who did not respect me in life, and who damaged me beyond explanation, would only be disrespecting me further by attending any wake. All conversations and explanations, discussions and apologies are ALWAYS welcome – if i am still alive. After that – NO.


(not being serious as in – NOT allowing for health preventing this, funding to limit the ideals, sense to prevail in any way.)

  1. Tony Bennett – i want to sing with Tony Bennett. I am as good and not remotely as strange as Lady Gaga, and would LOVE to duet on “The Way you look tonight”.
  2. New York – a girls week/week-end/minibreak. no idea WHY it matters that it is girls, and even more tragically have very few girl friends. To do what? i really don’t know. but would involve central park, Broadway Show, Shopping and Cocktails.
  3. A library room. We love books. We buy books and we keep them. We have every book we bought for the children too, so piles of paperbacks..ceiling high in many rooms. Bookcases full in each bedroom and a few on landing and in the study, so in my BUCKET list, THIS is what our play room becomes. bookshelves
  4. the refurbished Aga/Rayburn. Has to be refurbished. As our kitchen i LOVE the fsrmhouse, painted wooden ceiling…the feel of family. The AGA would fit in the corner…built out on an angle.leading over towards the sink..the wall behind it would expose a little brick, as the conservatory wall does The pelmet above it be recycled wooden beam.. In my mind it isn’t even a BIG job…the existing HOB and OVENS replaced by plain old fashioned larders and presses. No fancy metallic frames. aga
  5. A wee REAL fire…something that i can smell wood from, and turf from. The crackling sounds…the feel of a real fire should be in the family room. Where i spend 90% of my waking hours. In my head the room is small, but that makes the cosiness a bigger factor…easier achieved even! perfectly stove
  6. A choir to sing for the Pope. I could do that. i LOVE Pope Francis…the only one during my lifetime i have felt any pull towards to be honest. Have spent all my life training choirs. The tad of irony is that at the moment the choir i have has no connection with a church- but is a perfectly ably group of Christian musicians. Would travel with them happily. WHY? What would i gain from meeting the pope? he may understand. He may renew faith where i had to leave it.
  7. That in time, the loneliness and sadness i feel stops paining me.(loneliness at having to stand for my belief, alone. Loneliness is compounded by long term illness. I have morphed into an invisible person…a homegrown rarity… and no matter how much i can convince myself that I am ok now, i still DREAM of people apologizing…sad-love-quotes-people-change-memories-heart-broken-pics-pictures-sayings
  8. a family holiday….a BIG no funding held back holiday. My children, my husband and i live a good life. We do our best for people. We deserve a holiday. Illness has hit us both and the financial impact of that has included the fact that ABROAD is a bigger word now. So many places still to see, so many to revisit. None on the horizon. Rome, California, Tuscany, Canada…..so many places…
  9. Health remains as it is. for me and OH. I can MANAGE in my limited life… it isn’t good, it has pain, little energy, but not keen to lose hand use, legs, eyes and yet i can see the variation in those things in the past year. I am degenerating. I don’t expect recovery but would like status quo maintained…no further disability for us all to adjust to, please.
  10. Cottage at the Sea  that is where i always imagined retirement was going to be, I used to be thinking in terms of blue skies and heat, but i genuinely love the waves, the rugged beauty, the force, the noise, the strength….the POWER…that is what i want. It obviously does include coal fires, and Irish comforts…

that’s all.. then i die happy!

10 items…

don’t expect to change the items…

is that too much?Bucket-List-3

meanwhile i have ALL those other lists to SORT OUT…good job i did this!



  1. I thought about a bucket list (by the way I prefer your other term …f**k it list) after mum died. But then I really thought about things and decided I couldn’t wait to make the impossible list happen and set about stepping outside of the box, now I can cox a zodiac boat, train a dog, and have found an editor to work with me on the next children’s book, so perhaps the lesson is – don’t list it or think it but simply do it – live life to the fullest

  2. i wondered would writing it down make me feel i had to work my way through it…and it did make my “accept that will never happen” head wrestle with me “but is it that impossible?” head …so maybe i will…little by little.
    and many things like now for people’s health REMOVING my name from the organ donor’s register, as my 21 yr old son pointed out “mum, who the f*** would want ANY of your organs?”…are already in my head assigned to the F*** it tray 🙂

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