Mammy has been gone for year.
Her anniversary Mass has to happne yet- but that is not on the day or date, nor even uniquely a mass for mammy…but she will be mentioned in it and we will be there. remembering. Praying…
how we watch everyday now for that wee robin… and what it means…maybe superstitious bumph but NOT in our heads The date was Sunday…Easter Sunday.
But mentally the reminiscence was the Friday and Saturday morning.
The week building up to the friday evening and the saturday morning sure i replayed it all :
- the conversations
- the smells
- the laughs
- the late night giggling with my sister as we tried to be so quiet
- the chats with mammy the promises….
- the touch of her hand
! then remember i still need to tell mammy funny wee stupid things i did, which i know she’d have laughed at.
but it’s QUIET it becomes shockingly quiet.
At the immediate death, and even for some months there are “to-do”s.
choices of grave furniture.
cards coming in…HUNDREDS…
the cards we sent back to people with our gratitude and in memory of mammy.
so beautiful, simple and genuine.
but now silence
there were many many people at the time.
a few who we missed personally.
some people spoke afterwards. but they STILL spoke.
and that means so much too.
there have occasionally been shocked people who met dad and had not heard…
a tough gutpunch for them and a re-eopening for dad. but NOW the general feeling is loss
loss of mammy
loss of awareness
loss of thoughtful friends
some who never made contact
some who promised to be back
but loss loss of the remembrance wider than wake.
it does NOT stop hurting in fact recently the emptiness of the house the lack of awareness as the world ticks on hurts worse.
much more we may and do remember our dead… but we forget the lonely ones left grieving on…… and on…. the family with the hole where mammy is every day in my mind. every day.
i miss you so much mum xx the months mind and the wake.