today i had a visitor
that is a rarity
i have due to mismanagement been dealt badly – a few years ago.
one that has left me reeling.
my response to completely not understanding all the “HOW?” “WHY?” and “HOW COULD?” “WHY DID?” questions was to hide.
vacuum pack me.
away in my home
away from a very few….
but a few with small minds and large mouths is enough to all-but destroy a person’s confidence, happiness, sanity, family life… almost survival.
Situations which challenge sanity rarely come around. Thank GOD.
Blogging is a way of filling time. and whist initially i even blogged to a few fictional folks, i now blog to some people who listen…and i welcome their insite and opinions!
But when you couple the reaction to hide for shelter, with the BRAIN SURGERY which immediately followed it and its lengthy complicated recovery.
Add in a bereavement.
and you have ME
an isolated me.
not grieving for specific people really, but have not begun to replace the positions that friends left behind…the scars ..the healing….i have GAPS in my life.
- noone to talk to
- noone to text
- to “do lunch”
- “d0” the shops
- to go out with “the girls”…
none of these apply anymore.
all those positions.
in order to make more than the superficial social media type of friendships, it involves making a PHYSICAL choice to go out.
at MY AGE?
where do i start?
2 years of family protected solitude. Now coupled with limited ability to move due to my condition? HOW do i start?
how do i APPEAR?…suddenly after years of absence, in my wheelchair. A small town….in some ways a tiny town.
once you feel loneliness, there is a denial initially, an i LIKE being indoors, then a realisation and willingness to hide it, hide behind a functioning smile on social media.
but i must try.
nobody MISSES me anymore.
nobody looks for me.
nobody would consider i may want to go somewhere.
and the people who would have been the “girls” in the past…have left me long since.
I don’t blame them.
TODAY i had a visitor.
i enjoyed catching up….a start!