today i had a visitor


today i had a visitor

that is a rarity

i have due to mismanagement been dealt badly – a few years ago.

one that has left me reeling.

my response to completely not understanding all the “HOW?” “WHY?” and “HOW COULD?” “WHY DID?” questions was to hide.

vacuum pack me.

away in my home

away from a very few….

but a few with small minds and large mouths is enough to all-but destroy a person’s confidence, happiness, sanity, family life… almost survival.

Situations which challenge sanity rarely come around. Thank GOD.

Blogging is a way of filling time. and whist initially i even blogged to a few fictional folks, i now blog to some people who listen…and i welcome their insite and opinions!

But when you couple the reaction to hide for shelter, with the BRAIN SURGERY which immediately followed it and its lengthy complicated recovery.

Add in a bereavement.

and you have ME

an isolated me.

not grieving for specific people really, but have not begun to replace the positions that friends left behind…the scars ..the healing….i have GAPS in my life.

  • noone to talk to
  • noone to text
  • to “do lunch”
  • “d0” the shops
  • to go out with “the girls”…

none of these apply anymore.

unfilled.

all those positions.

in order to make more than the superficial social media type of friendships, it involves making a PHYSICAL choice to go out.

at MY AGE?

where do i start?

2 years of family protected solitude. Now coupled with limited ability to move due to my condition? HOW do i start?

how do i APPEAR?…suddenly after years of absence, in my wheelchair. A small town….in some ways a tiny town.

once you feel loneliness, there is a denial initially, an i LIKE being indoors, then a realisation and willingness to hide it, hide behind a functioning smile on social media.

but i must try.

making friends.

nobody MISSES me anymore.

nobody looks for me.

nobody would consider i may want to go somewhere.

and the people who would have been the “girls” in the past…have left me long since.

I don’t blame them.

TODAY i had a visitor.

i enjoyed catching up….a start!

f15

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7 comments

  1. I am in very much the same boat. Especially after my relationship ended a year ago. And with that 2 very long-standing friends who turned out to be not really friends after all.
    It’s really hard, especially as once my girls grew up and my career was established, *this* was meant to be my time, you know?
    I think I’m older than you. But I still have a 2 yr wait before I can join a local over 50 club. As far as social opportunities round here go, there don’t seem to be many other options *sigh*.
    (((hugs)))

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