as i wrote it down, i wondered if there was such a context. There is:
past tense: demoralised; past participle: demoralised
That is how TODAY feels.
Sometimes the mundane day to day issues that i can no longer do, are what deflates me and they, to compound the feeling of worthlessness, are invisible.
i try NOT to get annoyed with my brain and the chiari that rules my life:
- my time,
- my efforts,
- my time awake,
- my pain levels,
- my need to sleep
- my lack of social time
- my “new” timetable – the one where day starts about 11+/- involves a nap mid afternoon, and on a good day allows me the vigorous exertion of some “active thinking” .
THIS is how all of the above negativity LOOKS.
As this bloody awful brain is on the inside.
It is now 1.50 and i have MANAGED to do this
ALL OF THIS
drank the cuppas my OH brought me
(felt the auto-shame of being cared for)
Sat down and did my make up
didn’t skimp on it.
my appearance standards matter to me.
i DO my best.
But i was too tired today, to choose a dress out of the wardrobe, as that would have needed my legs to go there, and my brain to help me decide and my body to co-operate and poke through the rails….MULTITASKING s it would be.
Today i wore one, not yet put away.
CLEAN – of course.
I have standards.
TODAY i feel pissed off with my NEW life.
The one very few know about.
Cancelled my Occupational Therapist – as am feeling that I am NOT improving in my challenges. I am failing. I am also realising that the mental energy i put into PLANNING even my music, cancels the ability to do my walk challenge. So i use it as an alternative.
THOUGHT (productive) replaces the 4-minute-walk challenge.
how demoralising is that?
I made a comment online about picking up a shop voucher in town:
“I’ll pick it up net time i am in town”.
in reality i am never casually in TOWN.
that would be a morning thing,
a social thing,
an impromptu idea.
i don’t HAVE any of those – those are during my SLEEPING time.
am ANGRY with this lack of REALITY i have.
where THOUGHT trades off as exertion
where walking must be avoided if later i need to go watch a football match.
what life is this?
the fact that i live in a brain where having your FINGER nails gelled AND a luxury PEDICURE will be an exhausting experience, and i will probably fall asleep.