i have become who i NEED to be.

it’s funny. i have spent my life – my childhood, my teenage loner years, uni, and 20 years teaching – all STEPT in MUSIC. music was my emotional extremes, and my emotional rescue. but now, am retired due to inability to work with illness. my illness (retrospectively) being symptomatic for almost 10 years that i am aware of. music now is what i have left of the person i trained to be. i SUFFER for ever single musical note i make- there is now a trade-off with recovery. but i need to do that. that may make no sense logically but it is what i “have ” to do. But why? WHAT is it? I can conduct an orchestra in a pit, with a pencil, a baton. genteel, not vigorous. but something HAPPENS me, when there are WORDS put to it… i feel the responsibility of understanding the composers “feelings” and “intent” in writing every phrase. i STUDY, analyse, learn it AGAIN, mark minute ideas….i get submerged in the choral planning… every dot. and i get excited- ridiculously excited, when i see one new marking, that i had missed all the other times i sang it, directed it. and i then take it to the choir, an teach it. teach it in mathematical terms, in literary lines, in every way i can so that every different learned can tune in. and then there is the performance. and in that moment i see what i have learnt all make sense. i belong in choral music. every cell of me is affected. dignity? hairdressers? posture? lost in the blind emotion. Every part of me is in that direction. i don’t mean it to be, but it moves me so much. md i feel it. i feel tears. i feel force i feel pain i feel responsible for the reflection of all these emotions in sound! i feel hairs stand up on my neck tension and release turning emotionally pivoting on a word. it is what i am designed to do. direct a choir. i direct a choir, as i sing a solo. The same connection, the same  raw, genuine emotions. it is my reason… this is where my talent fits the bigger picture…my piece of the jigsaw. Am crippled today – completely unwilling to make the journey to the bathroom my legs will be in AGONY, as will my back, my arms, and my head. and i CAUSED that! legs my illness will MAKE ME PAY a high price for those moments. This picture is not me HUGGING my hubbie, it is me physically leaning on him at  the doorstep. There will be a complete reliance on him and the family through my recovery days. leanonme But i sent my dad a text today, thanking him. replied “why?” and it was for the fact that he, and mammy had so much nurtured this gift i carry and care for, and had given me the opportunity to find this place where i belong…supported me when i felt i had no more to offer music, and have moulded me gently to this person who lives “inside” the choral harmonies, and who loves it there. Hx


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