is this a life?


breatheitsover

i remember through tears saying to my then Neurosurgeon…”please do not send me away without checking everything you can…THIS is NOT a life”.

That was a long time ago…2 years or more ago.

he felt “sorry” for me or compassion for me as it was heartfelt and we organised the SCAN that decided i needed brain surgery…

before surgery.

before my legs have disconnected from reality.

NOW i am:

  • more static
  • more fatigued
  • feet paining me
  • LESS able to move my legs
  • another sleep on the sofa
  • more numb in my numb places
  • parked on a sofa
  • about a stone heavier
  • at the stage where people around you accept you are “off the social batter”
  • unable to go out of the house much
  • virtually not at all
  • walking to the toilet exhausts me
  • so lonely and isolated
  • moving in bed is so painful at night
  • i am begging for funding for a wheelchair to assist me to move
  • fed up hearing ” X was asking for you!” – that doesn’t replace a life where i meet people
  • fed up feeling guilty about what i have to ask my family to do for me
  • YES i can SEE the horrors of imminent death in some of my friends….of COURSE i can see that is so much worse that my situation!
  • feel guilt for whinging as there are “always worse off”.
  • AWARE that it will not gET better!
  • arnold chiari malformation has ROBBED me of my life

but as i SIT…vegetate in my armchair… life via social networking …fed and medicated by my family…

is THIS a LIFE??

and it isn’t.

it’s merely an existence.

not even a good one.

isthatall

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8 comments

  1. This really moved me. If you can only write then write. You are here, your feelings are real, valid and appreciated.

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