the new ME. Still Accepting it? NO- but adjusting to it? Yes and struggling with that.
I had no expectation of a perfect life, or an illness free life. In fact i was never in the fit zone- i did swim a lot, did pilates some, and that was ok. I was never aiming for the Olympics.
Life SHITS on all of us. I was never arrogant enough to believe i was outside that radar. Real life DOES this in different ways , at different times to ALL of us. THIS IS REAL LIFE. It was never meant to be like Stepford!.
I just hadn’t the physical loss of power in my legs. YES i can walk – a little – and in pain. But I can see any day at any time, there are people have worse illnesses as in severe, terminal conditions and i can see the relative scale. The problem is what limits ME, as person, seriously limits ME as a family member. That guilt weighs heavily!
The great difficulty with this for me, is NOT in accepting i have my condition, my chiari will be with me for life…it is in managing to be as alive as i am, as disabled as i am, and to live like this. I can’t yet as mentally I need to move on, but physically my limitations do not allow me to get out, be social…try this NEW me. try LIVING as new me…rather than hanging on waiting for the right equipment to help me, the right pain relief to give me ease…enough to let me LIVE and not EXIST.
I don’t have any gripe with life for giving me this…why NOT?I don’t resent my disability. It’s ME.
I need to stop relying on my social media as I have realised people have not SEEN me in so long, that they don’t know how the new ME is…even that there is a new me. And i am 50. I have hopefully many years of LIVING in me, but i would like them NOT ALL to be on my SOFA as i hang on waiting for the paramets around me to HELP enable me…Is that NOT ok? I looked up “adjusting to a disability”. i got the HOW to!…here it is.:
Adjusting to a Disability
Disability may be described as a disadvantage that prevents normal achievement,
or an inability to pursue an activity or occupation because of a physical or mental impairment.
Psychological symptoms associated with disability:
Suffering from an injury leading to physical or psychological disability is similar to going through a mourning process and is similar to mourning the loss, for example, of a loved one. The mourning process involved in the adjustment to disability can be divided into a series of four stages or major tasks. These are shock, denial, anger / depression and adjustment / acceptance.
The Four Stages of Adjustment:
1. Shock – A state of numbness, both physical and emotional. The, ‘I can’t believe this is happening’ period.
2. Denial – Denial is a defense mechanism that may allow the implication of an injury to be gradually introduced. Denial is only maladaptive when it interferes with treatment or rehabilitation efforts. Denial is being faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept; rejecting it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence that it is true.
3. Anger / Depression – A reaction to loss, and to change in social status and treatment. This may include withdrawal, internalized hostility, self-blame, worthlessness, suicidal ideations or grief. Individuals may grieve for their change in body image, function, former satisfaction that may be derived, or for the loss of future expectations based on the function that is lost.
4. Adjustment / Acceptance – This stage does not necessarily imply happiness about one’s disability, however, it allows the relinquishment of false hopes and successful adaptation of new roles based on realistic limitations and new potentials. A person may benefit from seeing other people in similar situations. The individual feels more comfortable with the changed self.
These stages are normal and expectable; however they are not neat and orderly. People progress through the stages at different paces and may skip stages altogether. Adjustment difficulties exist when an individual has difficulty resolving one of the stages, or getting “stuck” thereby halting further movement toward the final stages of acceptance.
so it seems like i have DONE them ALL?
all i need is the right WHEELCHAIR? the ABILITY to get OUTSIDE…take a day with my family
enough energy to get me OUT into public
and enough for people to stop sending me messages via my dad or my hubby “tell Helen I was asking for her”…i know it means well – but it merely reminds me how long it is since I have been out and about.
I need to LIVE
i need to stop waiting and existing and LIVE.
this new ME wants to LIVE as MUCH as it can – that’s all.