i talk about out
Out of here? Here in my confined room or in my confined mind.
Out to? What? who? how? why?
And if I came in initially the choice was at one stage mine….but it wasn’t so much a choice as a manipulate one.
Is it now mine?
Am I free now? Or free then? And from what? And how?
Free to go? to be seen? to be ignored? to be spoken to? to be spoken about…is it ANY different?
So so many issues In the mix- wounds have bled have healed have bled again so that’s my many scars remain. Now on me. In me. Part of me. Scars that I have kept with me indoors. Inside. And internal.
Where does OUT take me?
- out is what the new wheelchair would allow me to be …not a PLACE to go…a concept to be.
- how is OUT a be? a noun? a state of being?? maybe.
- “out” is the thing i refer to as unattainable currently, so is it a place? an independence, a never reachable wish, or a huge big…”if only”???
- what is out?
- am i trapped? let me out?
- am in in? inside me? inside my house? my imaginaton? my SAFE world?
- indoors? internalizing? invisibly existing? in the same room for 2 years? but in safety?
- OR am i once again trapped in? locked in? closed in? staying in? deliberately by me or by others made captive…in a body? broken?or a mind broken? BOTH?
The dictionary says on OUT:
- situated far or at a particular distance from somewhere.
“an old farmhouse right out in the middle of nowhere“
- moving or appearing to move away from a particular place, especially one that is enclosed or hidden.
“he walked out into the street”non-standard contraction of out of.“he ran out the door.”not at home or at one’s place of work.“if he called, she’d pretend to be out”not here, not at home, not in, gone away, away, elsewhere, absent,away from one’s desk“I’m afraid she’s out at the moment”revealed or made public.“the secret was soon out”
revealed, in the open, out in the open, common knowledge, public knowledge, known, disclosed, divulged, exposed“the secret was soon out”informal
a way of escaping from a problem or dilemma.“he was desperately looking for an out”informalreveal the homosexuality of (a prominent person).what is OUT when it’s me?Maybe it’s what has been OUT there when I have been in?time has changedis there anybody out there?or rather anyone interested in me?i have lost abilityi have lost friendsi have lost confidence in peoplelost my reputation …but gained it back through doing…i have been hurti have been discussed- assigned blame where none was duebut have lived with this…is OUT a challenge to the me the world has “imagined” for the last two years.is OUT a challenge to the bubble that is the new me…occupying space, existing, inside. Sleeping, not moving a lot, not visiting?is OUT a challenge to what has become a routine? almost an institutionalized routine…defined by my health? or even before that? my bullied mental health?out of somewhere?out of someone?out of something?or out of ideas?am out of FRIENDS!out of social INTERESTS of anyone i know.out of SYNCH with humans who have normal brains.out of my MIND!!!is OUT the dream of life beyond the limitations of life?OUT of reach?out of my reachcertainly out of my comfort-zone.or out of HIDING!does he truth come with me?am i OUTING the truth?is that it? The fact that any virtual ME is OUT and about makes it harder to perpetuate any myths about me, new me, OR old me.my BRAIN , my memory, my VOICE do come too!is it out of the dark? is there an aspect of tunnel that is now opening?i don’t know.WHO is OUT with??what do i do?who do i have?is OUT a social being?a begin to rebuild connections albeit different onesis out me all out of excuses why i can’t be “unvisited” as i can a little bit attach a freedom to go and do the visiting to the new out me?was I ever social? i WAS before the bullying. but social up to my comfort zone, my space.OUT scares meit is okay to talk about “when i can’t go out. but when OUT is at arms-length then this new, weaker, yet stronger me, is petrified. I HAVE NO IDEA what OUT is.Who is there?What do i want to do? that am not doing? What am I NOT admitting i want to do?i KNOW i can exist..up to a point…but am NOT yet living as if i have grasped fully HOW to be happy as i am, as it is, in the moment… does OUT challenge THAT? Does it challenge the fact that I HAVE adjusted up to this point of disability? Does it make me fall OUT of the new ME routine?does it make me accessible to others OUT ?i just want to be out…don’t i?not OUT meaning anything more?but OUT already means so much…scares me.how do i do out?out to visit?out to shop?out to lunch? with who?out to cinema? can do already so can’t be.out for a meal? in my wheels?out to a family parade- YES…out to football matches more? but i plan sleeps for them?out and about…that sounds so flexible, so impromptu, so NOT me now.OUT.OUT…OUT WHERE?OUT….of my misery?out of a RUTi don’t know.OUT of excuses?