Am i happy enough being fat?

Am i happy enough being fat?

Am i WHAT?

i have had no control over the rolling on of stones over the last 2 years.

size 12-14 was as long as i can remember.

am now in plus size.

Am now slicing me out of pictures.

Learning how to apply make up to CREATE a cheek where nature had one but it’s gone.


trying on my demoralising and exhausting that you could understand.

A friend this week admired my sister – in a picture of just me and her.

Yes THAT was tough.


the conversation went on to the levels of “well at least you have your legs”…which is the point where i want to SCREAM….”

Does ANYONE want to double their body weight? While the population around judges them so much by what they see, and don’t look for facts.

Who started that Stupid myth that FAT people are HAPPY?

i HATE opening a press and discovering another outfit that doesn’t remotely fit. YET fitted a few months ago! i HATE it. it is like i have INFLATED- beyond medical interest…


my husband now ALSO refers to “you can see your “bump” in it- as a NO Not that one…and that’s how it looks.

and i HATE it.

i HATE being this size and shape.

oh and i DID do a diet. A hugely expensive diet.Drops, and drops…and cost me £1000 roughly for 2 months… Lost a stone and a half – BUT however the drops seem to have affected my body i now seen to be gaining on a new scale and in new places.


I Am ill

Very ill.
Ill-health became disability!
Heart defect
Osteoarthritis in spine
Chronic asthmatic
constant Back pain
Salivary gland problems
arachnoid type cyst
Chiari malformation.

So many symptoms :

  • back pain
  • irregular heartbeat
  • breathlessness
  • Neck pain
  • headaches
  • Dizziness
  • numbness
  • Tingling
  • Slurred speech
  • limb weakness
  • extreme fatigue
  • Inability to exercise at all
  • weightgain
  • Facial features dropping
  • sight problems
  • constant pain
  • balance problems

i LOVE girls who have CURVES.

who advocate for CURVES and really wear them with beauty and are VULUPTUOUS.

but i am not. i am gargantuan, i do not have time to deal with this week’s size before i am faced with another gain…


They are composite conditions
but the awful part of it for me is that they are not visible.
That strangely was a great advantage
Initially – or so it seemed.
It meant that nobody knew I was sick – even me- as sick as I was that is.
NOW my life doesn’t really qualify as much of a life – physically.

I walk on stick
i tire quickly
I sweat facially
i have a sedentary lifestyle – not governed by choice but by pain and genuine disability.
Have had years of pain management through medication and pain control clinics but at the moment NOTHING is helping.

This may sound as if I am making the most shallow, superficial and pathetic statement, BUT, the only two things that are visible to the outside world of my many illnesses are the disproportionate facial sweating and the weightgain.

THIS is what a few months of being ME, can do…


Both judged so casually to the casual small town public as
lazy bitch,
let her self go
Look at the sweat!
oMG she is getting bigger!

Now I could argue my point but what dignity would that afford me?
in 18 months have gained about 2 stone.
At a shortarse 5ft 2 that amounts to at least 2 clothes sizes – almost 3!

I HATE how I look.
I can’t even wear a hairdo.
If I were asked out socially, HOW could I go out and sit mopping my face and neck? With my hair scraped up!
even my face shape has entirely changed.

i find myself avoiding invitations,

hiding behind people in photos

editing and cutting myself OUT of family shots

avoiding being in the memories.

locking myself out of sight, out of mind!

have been so ashamed even conducting choirs the hair becomes SOAKED,,,dripping…as i face the choir of 40 odd people…all making their own assessments.

wanting to cry when you get the pitiful…that dress is lovely – as you attempt to COVER everything…knowing that 2 minutes later there will be rivers of sweat in my hair…and suddenly my lovely blowdry looks like i stepped out of the shower. Who gives a SHIT that it is called Facial Hyperhydrosis!….i would even FEEL pathetic trying to explain that!

Of course I have explained how I feel to ALL the specialists in my care.
Most of them – just looking at their part of me, talks about weight not helping….
i need that???

I have one or two sympathetic doctors who do seem to take on board HOW I am affected by this, but other than assure me the growth on my brain is causing autonomic nervous system to do all this shit to my body, do they REALLY not feel that here I am, getting depressed- albeit understandably, about my overall illhealth???

I have spoken to a few friends who have done the polite options:
well you look great to me!
don’t be stupid
Would you worry what people say?

But I HATE the fact that everytime I try on a recent buy, even it now doesn’t fit!
I positively HATE how on any exertion, on any change of temperature my face and hair (from my malformation up) sweat irrationally and uncontrollably – and tbh the knowledge that it happens others with the chiari malformation, does NOT help the shame that I feel as I see the looks.
I also, ironically HATE the fact that weight bothers me. Have always been angered by people who made judgements based on SIzE- and who seemed to spend most of their lives On some sort of DIET!

Yet here I am!
Unable to exercise
In a BODY which doesn’t relate to what I eat, and makes my health worse.
I now even HATE being photographed from the neck up- as my face shape doesn’t really belong to me.
And mostly I HATE ME – because despite having these dangerous conditions, THIS upsets me so much!

I spoke to my friend (and cousin) Pat.
She didn’t answer at first.
And when she did, it wasn’t the placatory bulshit I get.
She told me what she would do – and has done – to control her weightgain from giving up smoking.

And I realise I can’t exercise!
not at all.
BUT am trying things.
Lunch is now fruit.
Bread is OUT.
And at night, because my life is limited in itself, I refuse to NOT have a wee treat. So last night I ordered yoghurt, meringue nests and berries…her idea.

Please GOD it helps…
Because I have almost become sociophobic as to the narrow minded world, am judged.I am NOT happy as I am.
And unfortunately ashamed as I am to buy into this……to me……




  1. Thank you for sharing this. I know you don’t know me, but I have been through the weight gain, and I am so unhappy about it. So often, people act like my feelings aren’t valid or that I am being superficial. I liked my healthier weight, but I am almost a month out of decompression surgery and I am not allowed to do anything that can help and I don’t know when I can. Your feelings about yourself are valid and they matter. While I can’t help you physically, know that I understand some of your frustration.

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