am 51 actually
but the strange concept remains.
i have not had any social life in over 2 years – about 2 and half years really.
2 and half years ago i was treated very badly and being unused to this, i assumed all would be resolved, and in the meantime i should do what in my head was “the right thing” and come INDOORS. Remove myself from making comment. Meeting potential conflict.
Hindsight is wonderful. I should have remained OUTDOORS with my head visibly high and not allow small minds and large imaginations to create rumours and rubbish.
THEN 2 years ago, the indoors ran into the INPATIENT. 9 weeks of surgery; brain surgery rarely happens without complications.
My mum died a month after i got out.
Then flutter of visitors wore of as people in REALITY have MAD BUSY LIVES!
they have children
they have family commitments
some social time…
So there is a basic “social” contact – perhaps not what normal people would call a social life but, from here I have sat since those many moths ago, trying to rehabilitate, then accept the changes in my ability which in my case has been quite linear:
ABLE UNABLE DISABLED.
and having GOTTEN to that point, I had to adjust. Part of that involved managing my mobility (which now is more IMMOBILITY).
I have a WHEELCHAIR – but i was unable to push myself far
I have a SCOOTER – but it’s for away from here. NOT in my home town. not yet.
I FINALLY have the right WHEELCHAIR with POWER-ASSISTED WHEELS to assist me come into town and manage the hills with some more power.
NOW the really scary bits, when i realise i have been removed from my existing social circle, i have met NO mums on the school runs, I have missed most football MOM days, I have missed the world…revolving without me.
NOW i get to face out.
i WILL – i will feel the fear and face it anyway. BUT am not stupid. Am far from it, am aware, hyper-aware of all the things that MIGHT happen.
- there will please GOD be NO PROBLEMS with some people, and old friendships have not been thrown out, it has just been assumed i can’t ggo anywhere…but now that i can, some friendships may be there…STILL. the same.
- there may be awkwardness
- some people may ignore me
- some be too busy – which when you are damaged, and vulnerable I may read as avoidance. i KNOW this is a difficulty for me!
- some will even perhaps have listened to rumours about me, and that may make them react differently, or weirdly to me….maybe thy would discuss that..or maybe not.
- some people may comment on having never had time to see me
- some close friends may not feel comfortable
- some people may be shocked at the wheels as the past 2 years hasn’t happened.
- there may be looks
- the poor you looks
- the “woah you have got fat” looks
- the awkward look between 2 friends i would love to be rewritten in the friends list
- the avoidance of the elephant in the corner by people who KNEW why i went INDOORS
- there may be cripple moments as i am not used to this etiquette yet…never mind the world out there.
- what if i answer as impulsively as my new brain wants to…
- what if i feel pain in public? if i need to CRY??
- what about the questions?
- what happened you?
- will you get better?
- but you can walk?
- or even worse…the phrases
- well you don’t LOOK disabled!!!!! (counting to 10 even writing that one)
- but like your legs work?
- but you aren’t really needing a wheelchair ALL the time?
- well it could be worse.
- or the inspire me ones..
- so MANY i am afraid of hearing and petrified of answering – I am TRYING to prepare to be open, honest, NOT expect much.. but be prepared for most .
- HOW do i do what took me all my life to do, all over again… but new… a new set of friends..when am NOT 4 and going to school.
- but i will try.
- there will be traffic on and off my facebook “acquaintances” as my superficial life, WAS only the best i could have as an interim.
- There will be exhaustion- mental and physical… I AM used to my FATIGUE… but the world isn’t.
- My baseline:
- is my husband and my anchor- the man who cares, has become me, counsels, and still loves me as i change in front of him. I would not be here without him
- My sister who is very independent but strong, and i would love to feel part of her life in a more real active way.
- My dad who has me on his visitation list – would be lost without that. The one who reminds me “i can do it!…i am stronger than that!”…
- my children who understand me as i am, but have seen me evolve daily over those years….
- Please GOD these what ifs, are WORST case scenarios….
- I HAVE to do this…
- i NEED to…
- my family need me to…
maybe that describes me….