my mother. memories.

23 months TODAY mum.

miss you as much today as then

miss you when i need to giggle at my own stupidity

when i hear daddy’s key in my door, i expect to hear your feet.

never a moment mammy…

thankyou. for the so many wonderful memories…

as posted for you last year:

Mother’s Day last year was the weekend mammy took very poorly.

We brought you a lovely wee present and you liked it…admired it.

Mother’s Day was later in March….warmer weather…flowers were blooming your wee garden: daddy tends it still but always called it gran’s garden.

You were still laughing at Matthew jigging his foot as always. we had a wee giggle,

Then later we came back in and you weren’t well…but as you knew you were promised not to be left and daddy managed to keep you at home another night.

You were terribly brave going into hospital.  S and I were so proud of you.

We were so lucky mammy to have had a week where we moved in with you…we didn’t leave you and you had asked us that again and again, and thanked us each time for staying.

That week will never leave me mammy.

  • you were content
  • clearer
  • happy
  • we were like children sharing the bedroom again, giggling at nothing, and you too.
  • we never left you
  • said your prayers with you
  • amazing lady mammy, with strong faith.
  • we told you over and over that we loved you so much and you us.
  • “the best mammy in the world”…you agreed.
  • you were.
  • mother’s day to me, will always be to YOU, my mammy.
  • miss you ever single day but you are with me every day. please don’t you leave me now, mammy.
  • i love you so much xx (i know you do xx)
  • and daddy still looks after us mammy.
  • we love him too. xx


Happy Mother’s Day Mammy

I know you are with us in the fog, the thickening frightening fog

I know you aren’t really with us

but I love you

and I wish you remembered that and that you had the memories you have given me.

I remember how

you were so gentle

spoilt us though we didn’t appreciate the warmed jammies

the buns baked for after school some days.

you were quiet

you never ever slapped me – not once!

you were always at home

and I remember stupidly at times wishing you worked cos you’d be more confident

more confident to join in the conversations in the Melvin house for coffees

and maybe we would get a real holiday abroad?

but none of that would have meant the same as having you there everyday

and the real holidays we did have in caravans – so many fun innocent memories

swimming in the cold sea and you towelling us off in sandy towels

only in Ireland

the amusements….the innocence!

an Irish mother

with the old Irish mother mentality…daughters look after house work

sons and husbands to spoil

I didn’t like that

I was a modern thinker and that was just wrong

people came and went form the house and up you got and dutifully made the tea

you were taken for granted mammy.

I remember the Maine man

The man who came with the bingo cards for charity.

But I also remember veggie.

veggie would appear in his van and you were afraid mammy

we all hid under the table ’til veggie stopped peeipng though windows for us

i was scared but I didn’t know why.

You huffed mammy.

you huffed when we beat you at draughts

or at tabletennis

you went to bed…”migraine”

it was only a game mammy and you don’t know how much I love it when you played with us!

Music was yours.

I loved it.

i spent years dragged around Feiseanna and competitions- was my childhood

 I remember the wee concerts in the front room in evenings sometimes.

we played duets mam – you and I

I didn’t know the names of those pieces, but i still remember them…

one was a March, and One a Rhapsody I think?

You had your solos too

Dad used to love you to play Peter Street Rag.

I probably wouldn’t be me and who I am without that gift from you – i couldn’t be.

You were odd- like I am

I remember when you used babysit when Cora was a baby and make me go out,

you told me i was too young to be stuck in with no life,

and I remembered the one night you had gone to the formal with daddy – the dinner dance

I was so impressed with you

you looked beautiful.

the long black dress with the gold embroidery

but you didn’t go out much mam and I don’t now.

you never recovered

never recovered from the death of Dolores. Leo and Mary

how could you?

they were yours.

I never appreciated that.

Not until you told me about Dolores and the Snowdrops when she was laid out

And how granny took charge and you never knew

you never knew how they were buried mam…but you always worried!

Part of you grieved always.

Now I understand.

Daddy was the strong presence

but you liked that – you had your own partnership.

Dad governed and you abided by the choices.

“Take the highroad”

you loved that!

I loved on maternity leave being up at lunchtime and watching your few programmes.

you spoilt me.

When i was seriously depressed you found a voice of strength!

And it made me face up and make my choices- you made me, mam!

That had such an impact on me- that was your inner strength.

You spoilt me when i was pregnant

dinners in the good room on Sundays.

minded Cora and Eoin

have so many vivid memories of you dancing them on the floor in the house

lilting as you went and they loved it.

I loved it.

You had a strong mother in your family – she had had to be all and sort all.

your family were not close – some were at times- but not always….families are families.

that was just how it was. not a observation.

you hated when granny went into care as you hated nursing homes.

you feared them

but no need mammy

when the fog started to crawl in you insisted we knew nothing

we worried but we didn’t know that it was alzheimers- the twilight world –

we wondered was it getting worse or not?

you fought to retain dignity and control with disdain

daddy supported your secret

with difficulty but brilliantly until you didn’t know mam

you would have been so proud of him

you never fully got to know Fionn and Caoilte – I am so sorry about that

they love you but they don’t know the real content of you.

You had what i now know was such a special love with daddy

those vows meant for life and were for better and worse

He has guarded you, cared for you, disguised your confusion

as the fog became thicker

you fought him at times when you thought he was letting the facade slip

but he didn’t mam.

He loved you

He cared for you

He still does

He never for a second stops.

And i love him so much for that.

You are here mam

But you can’t really be found

The fog is too thick – it smothers you.

But i love you mammy

Thank-you for the love

the kindness

the always being there when i did’t know that’s what it was

for the music that saves my sanity.

for that inner strength that i will never forget – you hid it

you were the mammy

the carer of the children

And I will always love you for that mam

I wish you could remember.

But i will remember it for both of us mammy.

Happy mother’s day

to the best mother anyone could have had.

Thank you

Hxall i am


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