i miss you mum

i miss you mum. but thank you for so much.

I got almost 50 years of love from my mum….

i got so so much from her.

and it does make it harder to lose her.

almost2 years… 2years this week , my mammy decided that she would go with God.

it was a beautiful death and i was privileged to be with her and my sister and i had time together while mam was in hospital. A week together…in the recliners at mam’s bed. remembering being sisters, and daughters. It was special – a  gift we will never forget.

until the day she died I knew she loved me, and she knew that i loved her.

my mam.

the serenity of her release from confusion has no bearing in the weight of grief, THIS YEAR much more than last. Grief is illogical and unpredictable…and painful.I am simply thankful that i had so many many memories of mam to relive.

Valuable things.



  • wee me! in Grannies. oh dear GOD, mum WHAT were you at with those tights? and my wee short dress! LOL i look much more like my granny on dad’s side. so i have always been able to see the parts of my personality that came from his side. But for Mother’s Day, i decided to see what i took from you mum. Personality after all is a mix of nurture and nature…so you are definitely in the mix! Some of them I developed as they were in you. Others i developed because i could not do it like you! That’s not meant in a disrespectful way…but i watched as you gave and did and stood back and isn’t it funny now, that has become dad…so you took it in turns.


  • MUSIC: You were naturally musical. I never really decided to do music – it just seemed to always be part of my life. I remember being piled into the car and dragged around competitions when i was too young to have an opinion on them. It became obvious i was abnormally musical and I flew through my grades, probably not appreciative of what that meant tor me and the rest of my life. I LOVE it…it is a huge part of me mum….it always will be. I took your gift and from it grew mine. I use it much more publicly than you ever did, but then i had always performed  :) you let me see very early, the worth of the talent that i have, and to focus my energy on developing it. I still do that mammy.


  • CHOIR: You agreed with my talent and my need to sing- you sorted out my first tutor- Tom. And within a short time I was in “the choir”. I sang and sang and trained vocally as fully as possible. That was my love at college…but even then, when i came home it was to “the Choir”. The choir was to become a HUGE part of my adult life.  I gave it all my music mam…and the tragedy was YOU LOVED IT. So when I was out- so were you. That was your outing of the week, your social contact…DSC_0155
  • ODDNESS: I’m ODD. I’m selectively odd. I can mix. but i choose when to and how much to. I suppose the bit we have in common is that i can’t be bothered doing large social events- I guess to be honest a lot of that has to go hand in hand with lack of body confidence and how i can’t find something to flatter this shape. but i remember the trying to get you to dad’s dinner dance…and ONCE you went! I suppose the difference in us is that I have the choice to be odd. When required I can go into any situation and take charge – you’d never have done that..


  • INNER STRENGTH: You surprised me the odd time, as you were never the stronger voice in my childhood- but the stuff you dealt with and had to deal with to a huge extent on your own, was HUGE. You buried 3 babies…or really 2 babies and a child. Nobody spoke about that in those days mum. I didn’t understand how immense that was until you started to talk when i was an adult. I don’t know HOW you managed. I couldn’t have.dep5
  • INTOLERANCE OF BULLSHIT: You were petrified of cold calls, annoying people calling and salesmen. Some of them – one in particular and i could name him, left you petrified!…i remember the hiding under the table for the veggie calls – cos he would come to the window to look for you if you didn’t answer the door. As a younger adult i was Rubbish at this!….but now i have learned to stop them before the start. None of that shite for me now mum. I shut the doors and i hang up!


  • PIC n MIX RELIGION: you were way ahead of your time in this one mum. BUT in fairness the Catholic establishment had some unforgivable approaches, on death of children…where if they had not been Christened they were forever more in LIMBO. How DARE they. You hated that…and talked about the bitch of a nun who came and visited you when one of the babies dies at birth, and told you “what are you crying for? You’ll never see that one!” . You hated confession – i took it further and don’t agree with it. You didn’t do the bowing and swooping to all clergy- which was typical of your generation. By God have i developed a “pic n Mix Faith”….and this stage forced to be very sparse…but I believe n God – and thanks to you can separate that from the people who run the establishment. I am happy with being the Catholic that I choose to be – guidelines not rules…you then hold values in your hand.


  • PEOPLE: you knew a title didn’t make a person. You knew a liar, a bluffer, and an insincere person. you’d spot a mile away a bully in any guise. But you never raised your voice to them…you would leave that to dad. I do that bit too. You knew right from wrong. you knew the people who felt they were great from those who were. You didn’t pander to anyone..didn’t bow and scrape. And you liked people who deserved it. Didn’t waste time on people who were wronging you or us. And you learned people instinctively…and usually your gut instinct in character was spot on.


  • FAMILY: was a narrow sense. The ones of us IN the house. That was all we were responsible for. You saw the flaws in the EastEnders “family” in the MITCHELL  sense of all you relate to. You cut some ties and I cut more. people who were harmful, are gone and closed chapters. I am so happy that that is the way to survive mum…and this level i AM a survivor! And THANKYOU for the diamond man you picked as my daddy. He stood with you day by day, you were happy to be “his wife”, and our mam. You were that. ALWAYS.


  • SHORT HAIR: oh GOD had we short hair. The first thing i did as an adult was GROW it. I hated that one. I went full circle with my family on that- they have to beg to cut their hair….BUT i did keep up the Blow-dry weekly routine. I did and will always look after the hair. Even now  after the brain surgery, I am trying my best to manage it well.


  • SWEET-TOOTH: i got it! You did it brilliantly. you BAKED and at the time i probably wondered why my mum didn’t work like some other mums. We would come round the door and the waft of food was beautiful. I LOVE sweet bits…but i don’t do the baking. BUT i definite love my sweets and desserts…not sure my missing waistline wants to thank you for that one.photo (35)


  • MUM: you spent your LIFE rearing children. You didn’t ever want to leave that. you never worked but worked to be ready for us to come home. Pyjamas on the heater or the fire guard in winter. Warm drinks when we were sick. My children NOW see the value of having me at home…am SORRY i didn’t value it at the time and tell you how much it comforted and made me feel safe. I am not able to do a lot for my children now, but i do Saturday night tele…and sweets and Sunday Dinners all at the table.


  • my mam had a mental STRENGTH and independent mind. She tolerated no bullshit- not in a rebel rousing, shout out way, BUT she made it known to us what she thought of who..and by god!
    • there was no hierarchy of greatness in mam’s eyes.
    • She didn’t pander to title, nor to wealth.
    • no room for injustice
    • no right to respect- it was earned.
    • no time for smallmindedness
    • no LIES.
    • no illusions.
    • mam saw it and said it as it was.


  • I wish when you were more aware and there was less confusion that i had said then the impact you made on my life mam… I love you… That bit is funny as you are so much more demonstrative now in your illness, with your reserve removed, than you were when you remembered the babies you had lost… So  in my head Mum…all week…all dy…every time i want to tell you something stupid and make you laugh.i miss you so so much.….
  • I love you mam. “best mother in the world!”…ever… Hx

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