last Christmas….


i BET you are all humming it? without meaning to?

but i meant ME and Last Christmas.

Last Christmas i had fight in me.

Was all set to “get OUT” as soon as my wheelchair arrived.

All set for the freedom,

the interaction,

the socialisation that freedom would give me.

A new ME.

wheels would be replacing the gammy ould legs

and Helen would be OUT there.

Facing people,

situations.

a renaissance.

LIFE.

“life is what happens when you have other plans made” – John Lennon.

LIFE happened.

a reality of cruel unnecessary forms that just because things are tough, they can get tougher.

So most of this year has been INDOORS.

more time. THREE YEARS NOW INSIDE…my unlocked cell.

Mentally rediscovering PAIN/SCARS/WOUNDS that can never be erased, but can be rediscovered and redamaged and resurface.

i am a very open person so honest means vulnerability.

THIS CHRISTMAS as a comparison, a marker in time, is not a strong me.

It is a punchdrunk me.

I have sparred with MORE illnesses, less medical security, less medical appointments yet more waiting lists as i am added to more and more specialists long line of new cases. A health service where urgent means a difference in 2 years and hopefully one of 6 months….but it is a feeling of enormous insecurity…freefalling…balancing chemically…and wondering.falling

mentally weary.

prone to weep at a challenge however minor.

This christmas a nervous me who has found more problems in getting out literally than manners to resocialise and build new friendships.

LIFE… you do NOT HAVE to continue to challenge me.

TIME may allow me to stabilise. To find a specialist to plant my feet in the new reality. A friend to enable me to “get” out which i now completely depend on.

Am ALIVE, and GLAD to be…but GOD please let me get myself settled, balanced and STOP with the constant TESTING me…at every level.

LAST christmas 🙂

 

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