Medically as I become more a casualty of the add-on-symptoms which my conditions cause me – too numerous to isolate- but ALL there- the mountain i carry on my back now…weighing me down in so many ways…i still muse…on and on…
will i ever fly again?
New York- always called me….less now as reality is the question of “HOW could i get my wheelchair onto a plane?…aware of how that would pan out for a family.
will i ever be allowed to drive again?
that to me was a harsh and unnecessary cruelty the withdrawal of my driving licence. I have central hypoventilation so i use a ventilator at night (as my brain fails to breathe enough). i may be TIRED during the day, so i will “choose” to nap….sleep never sneaks up on me. And since my legs are so little use, i would love to be able to drive short local trips. but really? Resit my driving test? And apply to magistrate? Really? Unfair.
Will i ever feel like an individual?
i am not really a ME – a person now. i am currently cared for in every sense by my husband who is being denied recognition for what that entails. I am a patient. He has become both mother/father/carer/cook/taxi/cleaner….and only able to juggle so much at a time… and i cause that RUSH in his time! I sit in my space and sleep in my space- cared for. Dependent COMPLETELY on him for food, travel, medication…never what i envisaged as our relationship when i pictured us growing old together. not to be.
Will i ever be able to do something impromptu?
a choice? a choice to go somewhere? a quick decision? Just cos i want to? a spur of the moment idea which only appeals to ME? A shop? A visit? A trip? A play? Lunch? Mass?
i don’t think so.