Many times when things are stressful and i get past it, i use the words:
well when THAT didn’t give me a NERVOUS BREAKDOWN, then nothing ever will!
but recently i was recollecting a bad, bad time, and i said the phrase as always, then looked up at the person i was talking to, and he looked at me, knowingly…. it WAS a breakdown. THAT awful period of time… that WAS a breakdown.
in hindsight i can now label it.
All i know, is what a breakdown WAS to me.
It was an evening. I was so deeply hurt, by someone i knew for a long time trusted.
The SHOCK of being such an OPEN person makes people like me vulnerable- as they don’t have a defensive layer. It is part of their open personality. i had NEVER imagined being hurt, but being targetted by a “friend”- one I knew for a long time, made it harder to believe as it happened…in slow motion….layer after layer of shock and pain. The PAIN ….. agonizing heart pain…..RAW…..never had i been so hurt- no anesthetic.
i HID like an injured animal.
i HID indoors. in my house. No idea how to stop crying. Process anything…kept reliving scene. Slide by slide. The only ones near me my family who hugged me, and comforted me…but it didn’t make the pain go.
weeks later i was still there. now wondering what people were doing? where were they? What was being said? I added “what ifs” to my pain. This was ALL hell – and unscripted. Where were my friends? Leaving me be? or what did that mean? Were they my friends?
weeks became months. i STILL HID.
my imagination had so many possible things happening in the OUTSIDE world, but i HID. i wasn’t hiding from anyone in person, but the hiding facilitated stories and gossip to begin, to be changed, to be circulate- i was totally surmising this… i had NO proof at ll.
cos all i did was HIDE.
an animal hides to heal. I didn’t heal.
i facilitated guessing about me, I IMAGINED what was being said, and i allowed a festering HOLE, a SORE, an OPEN sore to ulcerate – to continue, almost to perpetuate.
NEVER can i recover the time,
NEVER can i rebuild the relationships with missing months
CHAT is not companionable when there is “topic” we don’t refer to.
NEVER will the pain fully leave my eyes, I see the world as a more difficult place now.
I tend to STAY indoors a LOT.
I have an effigy to remind me of the “event” – the ELEPHANT in my room – and so few refer to it. so very few.